Satire: SVCC to revamp sports teams in 2021

By James Hutchison

     With the pandemic still in full swing and cases around the country continuing to rise, coaches at Sauk Valley Community College may have found the answer to returning to sports despite the pandemic: Battleship.

     You read that right: a game that originated in France during WWII may hold the answers for athletes once again participating in their beloved sports, but with a twist; athletes will meet online in moderated battleship-style sports meets.

     Athletics director at SVCC, Mike Stevenson, explains how it will work:

     “So, there’s no balls or equipment and no one meets in person. Instead, they’ll log-in to a newly built website that will host games with other teams, assuming other teams participate of course. Instead of two-player matches like the original battleship game, teams will consist of six active players with the rest of the team waiting “on the bench” to tap in when active players need breaks.”

     But how will an old board games be converted into something both fun for players and entertaining for spectators? Stevenson explains; “It’ll be like watching the Olympics with myself and a few other commentating. Basically, the ‘ships’ will be individual teammates and ‘shells’ will be the object ball for the sport, except instead of multiple shells, there’ll be a single shell that each team interacts with.”

     Early opinions of SVCC’s take on post-pandemic sports are mixed at best with much focus being on how refereeing will work and how individual sports rules can be modified for a digital board game that’s origins are over a hundred years old. However, this new move is a testament to SVCC’s soaring spirit and dedication to its students, even in the middle of a pandemic.